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[Lum's Travel Guide] Braemar (#2 in a series)

edited July 2015 in SotA Stories
Departing Kingsport I chose the coastal track that meandered south. It took me past North Ravenswood, Northmarsh and the Mysterious Swamp; then on past Southmarsh until finally it split in opposite directions at the foot of a large mountain range. I chose the right path, which took me towards Braemar, my destination.

It was a strange, eerie feeling to finally arrive at this place that I had heard so much about but never seen. I was thirsty and, I'll admit, somewhat in need of courage, so I ventured into the local tavern. Although we'd never met, I recognised Maeread the Barkeep and greeted her with what must have seemed an odd enthusiasm, which was not reciprocated. I purchased an ale from their last remaining keg and started chatting to the locals.

The air of doom and misery in this small town greatly exceeded that which I had encountered in Kingsport, and my conversations revealed why. They were cut off from the rest of the island by hordes of undead, and I realised how lucky I had been to make it here without being attacked. Albert Halverson, a merchant from Owl's Head, felt sure that he would never return. Others were less communicative. Karl Rognoff, for example, had decided to take refuge in his drink and refused to talk at all.

The innkeeper seemed to be the most upbeat about the situation and waxed eloquent about his locally brewed concoctions. Several people in the town saw a glimmer of hope in the fact that I had arrived unharmed and made a number of requests when I offered to help. I noted their requests in my journal, and said that I would do my best to assist.

First, however, came the reason for my trip. After bidding the locals farewell, I backtracked and turned sharply just past the town fence towards the local cemetery. There I found Jenny's family crypt, and removing her ashes from my backpack I placed them gently inside.

The journey from Solace Bridge had been a long one, but her dying wish was now fulfilled.

Comments


  • Ok now I have some time to get back to editing!

    It took me past North Ravenswood, Northmarsh and the Mysterious Swamp,
    then on past Southmarsh until finally it split in opposite directions at
    the foot of a large mountain range.

    Here the commas cause a little stumble in trying to read the series.  You could use a semicolon before the then.

    I choose the right path,

    Just a typo - chose.

    It was a strange, eerie feeling to finally arrive at this place that I had heard so much about, but never seen.

    No comma before the but!  Same conjunction issue.  Here's the trick again: read what follows the conjunction (but in this case).  If it can stand alone as a sentence use a comma.  If not, don't use a comma.  Here if you read "never seen" you know it should not be separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma.

    I was thirsty and I'll admit, somewhat in need of courage, so I ventured into the local tavern.

    So the main part of the sentence here is "I was thirsty and somewhat in need of courage", so the "I'll admit" is an interruption and should be set off by commas on both sides.  Right now, the punctuation makes the "somewhat in need of courage" the interruption so it sounds off.  To see this, read the sentence without it.  When you change the punctuation to add the comma before "I'll admit", you will see this is the part that could be dropped from the sentence with it still making sense.

    The
    air of doom and misery in this small town greatly exceeded that which I
    had encountered in Kingsport, and my conversations revealed why.


    This is a good use of the comma!  Read what follows the and and you will see it could be a sentence on its own.

    They
    were cut off from the rest of the island by hordes of undead, and it
    was then that I realised how lucky I had been to make it here without
    being attacked.


    The then here doesn't connect well.  What is it referring to?  Immediately prior is "being cut of from the rest of the island".  So the then gets confused because it could sound like it refers to when they were cut off.

    I could offer suggestions on restructuring, but try to do it without the "then"... you could even take out "it was then". 

    And good use of the comma by the way!

    Karl Rognoff for example had decided to take refuge in his drink and refused to talk at all.

    Need to set off "for example" by commas.

    Several
    people in the town saw a glimmer of hope in the fact that I had arrived
    apparently unharmed, and made a number of requests when I offered to
    help.


    You were doing so well there for a moment!  No comma before the and here.  And is there something you are indicating by "apparently" unharmed?  Are they suspicious that you might have been harmed and they couldn't see it?  If you don't want to indicate some meaning like that, just take it out.  A valid use would be if they were worried you had been zombie infected, but then they wouldn't be talking to you casually, they would have kept away until sure.

    There I found Jenny's family crypt and, removing her ashes from my backpack, I placed them gently inside.

    Need a comma before the and... read what follows - it could stand alone as a sentence.

    The journey from Solace Bridge had been a long one, but her dying wish had been fulfilled.


    Woohoo! End with a perfect comma usage!
    Although ok, the use of past perfect tense in the last part: "had been fulfilled" sounds just a wee bit off.  It's because past perfect is for action completed in the past.  Her wish is still fulfilled.  Therefore, maybe "was now fulfilled"?  Simple past indicates something that could continue on...


  • Thanks Vyrin.Corrections made.

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