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- Vyrin & Womby

[Open Mic Story] The Story of Womby Fluffington

edited May 2015 in SotA Stories
Hi, my name is Womby Fluffington. 

Yes, it's an unusual name, I know. You see, I'm not from around here.

This is the story of the only Avatar to travel to this world without the aid of magic.

I was born and raised on a world that is far removed from Novia. 

A planet called Goss - one of the most stunningly beautiful places in the universe.

So, how did I end up here? 

To answer that question, I'll first need to provide you with a bit of background.

I used to earn a living as an insurance adjuster. 

That is not an occupation that exists here, so a brief explanation is in order.

People paid money to the insurance company. If their expensive items were damaged or destroyed, we would provide compensation.

My job was to examine these claims for compensation, judge their validity, and work out appropriate payments.

So, one day a claim came in from a well respected trader. 

He was getting close to retirement, and had borrowed heavily to fund a brand new purchase - a Banu Merchantman trading vessel.

This vessel was able to travel between worlds, carrying large quantities of goods for sale or barter.

He hoped to pass this down to his children after he had established several profitable trading routes.

Unfortunately he was attacked by pirates on his maiden voyage, and his ship was stolen. 

He was lucky to escape with his life.

I had examined his claim, and was about to approve it when my manager stopped me. 

He told me that he had received evidence from the Advocacy (think Town Guards, only fancier), that the claimant had colluded with the pirates, and that I should reject the claim.

Taking him at his word, I did so.

Shortly after that the trader committed suicide. 

My action had ruined him financially, and he couldn't cope with the resulting emotional and financial devastation.

Later, I discovered that my manager had lied to me, and that the claim had been genuine.

I reported this to the Advocacy, and they seemed keen to learn everything I knew.

A few days passed. Returning from a local tavern one evening, I found my home ransacked.

My neighbour told me that the Advocacy had arrived with a warrant for my arrest on charges of terrorism. 

It was then that I realised that the local branch of the Advocacy was corrupt, and working with both the pirates and the insurance company to defraud customers.

I fled my home and joined a local resistance movement. 

We were outnumbered and outgunned, and I was finally forced to leave Goss to seek refuge elsewhere.

As I headed for the planet Mya in the Leir system I was pursued by the Advocacy, and attempted to hide in an asteroid field. 

There I encountered an uncharted jump point that transported me to this world. 

On exiting the jump point at speed my ship collided with orbiting debris from a shattered moon, and I was forced to eject from my plummeting  vessel. 

Unfortunately I did not have time to gather up any belongings. 

As my escape pod descended, I watched my spaceship plunge into a vast lava field in the Blackblade mountains and disappear without trace.
 
It was night time where I landed. My escape pod splashed into the sea and began sinking.

I was forced to strip off my heavy spacesuit and, clad only in my underwear, I swam towards some nearby lights. 

I dragged myself ashore at Kingsport, where I told a local guard by the name of Douglas that my ship was wrecked. 

Surprisingly he understood me, and managed to find some clothes for me to wear. 

I have been trying to fit in ever since. Using the funds I have scraped together from selling bark bread, I hope to start a joint publishing business with fellow Avatar Vyrin.

I have been constantly amazed and heartened by the friendship and assistance offered by the people here towards a newcomer from another place. 

Despite my ignorance of local customs and history, I have been made to feel welcome.

For that I am eternally grateful. Thank you.

* THE END *


Comments

  • Wow a wonderful Star Citizen crossover!  I enjoyed researching the places and things you were talking about.  This is a great idea... it also makes clear why you're a devotee of chaos.  I have to work on mine now, hmmm.

    People
    paid money to the group that I worked for, and in return if their
    expensive items were damaged or destroyed, we would provide
    compensation.


    You do not need "in return".  Taking it out makes the sentence less cumbersome.  There are other ways to shorten I think... maybe take out money.  Also instead of "the group that I worked for" say "my company" or "my business"? 

    He hoped to pass this on down to his children after he had established several profitable trading routes.

    No need for "on".

    Taking him at his word I did so.

    Probably a comma after word.

    A few days passed, then one evening on returning from a local tavern I found that my home had been ransacked.

    Hmm does this sound better? "A few days passed.  Returning from a local tavern one evening, I found my home ransacked."

    As
    my escape pod descended, I watched my spaceship plunge into a vast lava
    field in the Blackblade mountains and disappear without trace.


    There is only one lava field so I don't think you can say "a" lava field.  "the" sounds right.

    Unfortunately I had not had time to gather up any belongings.

    The double hads sound off - did not have?

    I
    have been trying to fit in ever since, and using the funds I have
    scraped together from selling bark bread I hope soon to start a joint
    publishing business with fellow Avatar Vyrin.

    Period after since.  Take out and.  Comma after bread. Maybe soon at the end of the sentence?
  • edited May 2015
    Thanks Vyrin, I made almost all of your suggested changes. I think it is much better now. (I didn't change the Blackblade mountains thing - I just think it sounds better with "a". To hell with accuracy. Sorry.)

    Also, I noticed that I had used "Unfortunately" to start three sentences, so I changed

    "Unfortunately we were outnumbered and outgunned"

    to 

    "We were outnumbered and outgunned"

    Also shortened a sentence so it wouldn't be truncated when pasted into the chat box.

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