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- Vyrin & Womby

Forsaken Virtues - Prologue

edited March 2015 in SotA Stories

'lar woke in an unfamiliar room, it was quite dark but she could hear birds outside, she squinted as she cast her eyes over to the sunlight creeping through a boarded up window.  She sat up on the bed and looked around as her eyes began to adjust, the room smelt faintly of mould, she could see other beds, all vacant in this reasonably sized room, where was she?

he instinctively picked up the hat next to the bed and went to put it on, 'I guess this is my hat…' she thought.  Was an interesting hat, a top hat made from leather with a pair of rather odd looking goggles attached.  As F’lar stood up she took stock of her clothes, plain cloth, not high quality but could be worse, at least there were no holes.  F’lar felt unsteady on her legs, weak and disorientated, she could recall her name was F'lar Minuai and seemed to have vague recollections of a sister, possibly named Pea and a friend whose name she couldn't remember, like much of everything else, F’lar had no recollection of anything in her life before waking up just moments ago.

here was a backpack also sat next to the bed, she picked it up and had a look through, a book with nothing written on the pages, a knife, some lint, not a lot to help her work out what was going on.  With bag in hand she moved across the room to a doorway which led to another room beyond it, her feet creaked across the old wooden floorboards and the ceilings were low, definitely a roof space, as she made her way to the back room F’lar found a staircase leading down, she could hear voices, crackling from a fire and clanking of mugs and tankards.

s she got to the bottom of the stairs a rather large burly man called over, 'Sleep Okay?'

F'lar made her way over to him, 'Welcome, I'm Flynn Gilson to the Braemar Inn and Tavern.  Best ale in all of Vale!'.

'Ale' she muttered in confusion.

'Well, we have fireweed ale that Abela says is a bit on the strong side, spidersilk stout which of course doesn't have any spiders in it and crabapple cider which is old Karl's favourite brew.'  Flynn smiled and pointed to a rather lanky looking drunk fellow by the fire.  'I brew it all here locally, mainly because we haven't gotten any real ale from Kingsport in weeks now, maybe if you get up to Kingsport you can ask the innkeeper there why we haven't gotten any ale shipments?  I know there have been wolves and the occasional undead along the road but this is ALE we're talking about.'

t that moment F'lar heard a large, well-dressed man at the bar call to the barmaid, 'Abela, another cider please.  This one seems to be empty.'  F'lar looked over at the man and Abela.

'That's Albert Halverson' said Flynn, 'Poor ole Albert is stuck here with the rest of us.  He doesn't say much.  Just comes in, drinks his ale, and pines for whatever, or whoever, he left back in Owl's Head.'

'How long have you known the barmaid?' F'lar enquired..

'Who Abela?  Well she is a sweet girl.  Lonely, I think.  Lost her whole family to those things.  It ain't right.  Someone needs to do something or we're all gonna end up just like they did.'

F'lar's mind began to spin, was she a victum of whatever Flynn was talking about?  Had she lost her family to the ‘undead’?  Was she attacked by them and lucky to be alive now?  F’lar needed fresh air, she began to ambulate away from Flynn and towards the open door of the tavern.

ust before she made it out Abela approached her, 'Did you sleep well?  Are you feeling better?  You have been up there for days just sleeping, Flynn found you in the forest a few days ago!  I don't know how you survived alone and unarmed, what were you doing out there?'

F'lar explained that she couldn't remember anything.  Abela's look of concern was unmistakable, 'Maybe you should stay a little longer, have some food and a drink perhaps, you haven't consumed anything in days, and you’re weak.'

'Tell me about Flynn?' F'lar asked.

'Flynn has been good to me since my family passed.  Gave me a job and a room in the loft to call my own.  He's been like a second father to me.'

F’lar held Abela’s kind smile for a moment,  'I will be back later' F'lar confirmed and left the tavern.

he sun felt warm on her face, she closed her eyes and just felt the goodness soak into her skin, for a moment she felt so calm, more normal, more like herself…she opened her eyes as she wondered if she did feel normal, more like herself or if she had forgotten that feeling as well.  Suddenly she was interrupted by a perfect stranger, 'Hello, my name is Elijah Brightblade.  I like to help out new visitors to this area, never seen you before so I know you are new, just saw you come out the tavern, did you find the basement?  If not, you should pop down there as I happen to know the innkeeper has a sword and iron chest armour on the very bottom floor, might be worth grabbing those before you head out.'  


lightly bemused but appreciative of the helpful nature F'lar was certain she didn't want to go stealing anything from Flynn.  She began to look up and down the street, if it could be called that.  There were some houses along a dusty track but otherwise it seemed like the tavern was the only attraction in this place, a few people shuffled about the dust.  ‘Maybe a walk in the warm sun, some fresh air and possibly a chat with some locals followed by a good meal and an early night is all I need to feel as right as rain again’ she thought.  That is exactly what she went on a did, however as dusk began to draw in she didn't feel relaxed or calm, the stories and news she had heard about this small sleepy place called Braemar was unpleasant, many of them had mentioned she should talk with Halmar the only guard in Braemar.

almar was roaming along the dusty road, back and forth.  She greeted him and he instantly made a request that if she caught sight of any undead nearby that she should report to him.  The 'undead' had been mentioned by everybody she had spoken to in Braemar that day, Halmar told her of undead legions that were raised by the Obsidian Order during the war, F'lar listened but she wasn't sure who the Obsidian Order were or what war he was referring.  'If you feel up for helping out you should journey north to the city of Owl's Head, where Lord Enmar leads the defence of the vale.'

'Halmar what are those?'

F'lar pointed to a metal looking spider walking around making an awful racket.  'That is a Watcher, the Watchers are mechanical devices of the Oracle, though most call them 'Clankers'.  They act under the Oracle's direction and report, I assume, to the Oracle directly.' he replied.

'The Oracle?' F'lar enquired.

'Yes, the Oracle is the closest Novia has to a commander, yet she does not lead overtly.  The Hidden Vale has been known to the people of Novia for some time now, though they have resisted accepting the Oracle's dominion.'  Becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the conversation F'lar wished him farewell.

'lar headed back to the tavern, Flynn welcomed her back and gave her a bowl of mutton, it did not taste good, but at least it was strength building grub.  With her belly full she sat in front of the fire with a mug of ale and thought about the things the locals had been telling her.

From what she could work out there had been some sort of an attack from monster the residents refer to as the undead.  It seemed these undead had killed and/or taken residents of the town, caused destruction and left chaos in their wake.  A farmer named Seamus said no man should have to live with what he had seen, although F'lar was sure for a moment he was about to say 'done' instead of 'seen'.  A man named Bodan said he hadn't been out hunting since the night they went looking for Seamus' family and the others that were taken.  Undead had been seen moving north towards the city, even the animals he used to hunt were smart enough to have cleared out, 'Wonder what that says about us?' he had pondered.

Then she knew the next thing Bodan said she would never forget, 'Seamus was a good man, or at least I thought he was.  Until he turned his back on his family to escape his fate.  Some say it was just a moment of weakness, but I say no man worth his salt should abandon his family like that when they're in danger.  I understand the urge to survive is a strong one, but so is the need to protect your own kin.'

ne man F'lar spoke to had gone AWOL from his group of smugglers, Red Sash he called them, seemed to be some kind of smuggling ring operating out of Kingsport, or that's how she understood it and this Jarred character seemed to think it was only a matter of time before they were all dead.  A lady named Bridget Helvig showed concern for her husband, Veimor, she spoke very highly of him but was concerned about his safety, before he had left for the forests by Owl's Head he had fully stocked the pantry for her with rabbit and wild boar.  Stories of farms destroyed, loves ones lost, enemies closing in all around, everywhere she looked people had a face of doom and stories to match.

bela come and sat next to her, 'Any clues as to who you may be or where you came from?'

F'lar shock her head as she watched the flames crackle about the logs on the fire, ‘But I am thinking I may head to Owl's Head, see about maybe helping towards the defence of Vale...via Kingsport maybe and see what is happening to all the ale.  I feel it is the least I can do as Flynn and yourself have been so kind and I have no other plans.'

Abela got a familiar shine in her eye that had become so common place throughout the day as so many people seemed to be making requests of F’lar to travel to one place or another through the danger, 'What do you want me to do?' F'lar asked.

'Well, if you're not too busy, can you check on my friend Kelly?'

F'lar took a swig of her rather unpleasant spidersilk stout which she is certain does in fact have spiders in it.  'Kelly?', she asked.

'Well, I had heard since she left Braemar she had been seen in the company of bandits!  I hope that's not true...You may want to ask Bodan about it.'

F'lar looked at Abela 'Bandits? Are they the same as the Red Sash?'

Abela's eyes didn't flicker, 'What do you have that is red?'

This took F'lar a little by surprise, 'What?’ F'lar asked.

Abela instantly got up 'I really must be getting back to work.' and left F'lar sitting in front ont he fire.

 little confused F'lar headed upstairs and sat on the bed she had woken from that morning, she took the empty book from out of her backpack and wrote all the things she wanted to remember, all the tasks she wanted to do for people, places to visit, things to check on as it seemed the tasks were mounting up.  She may not remember who she was or where she came from but she certainly wasn't short of things to do until she found out and who knows, maybe she might find the answer while out travelling.

'lar placed her journal back in her backpack and blew out the candle, as she lay there in the dark listening to the chickens outside settle for the night she thought about what she wanted to do before leaving Braemar, firstly, tell Flynn she will go to Kingsport and find out about the ale and see if he will part with the sword and armour rumoured to be in the basement.  Secondly, talk with Bodan again about Kelly and thirdly, chat with Halmar one last time, see if there is anything else she may be able to help with while on her journey north.

er eyes heavy she slowly drifted off to sleep.


More to come...The progression of this story will also be on my website Travels of the Avatar.

Comments

  • This is beautifully done!  I will be reading it more closely soon!  Well done!
  • edited March 2015
    What a fantastic idea, Flar! I love how you have turned your game experiences into a captivating story.
    When I have a little more time I'll return, and if it's OK with you I'd like to point out a couple of typos you may want to fix, and maybe talk about a couple of things that leapt out at me as I was reading. 

  • Thank you guys and sure Womby, that would be great :D  I believe you are the first to read it.  I know one thing that leapt out at me is how F'lar isn't actually that driven to find out more about herself lol I am keen for the stories not to get to lengthy :s so some detail I do skip which can be frustrating at times.  As I read it back I think to myself, 'Why didn't F'lar take that line of conversation up further?' Cut for time lol
  • edited March 2015
    OK, here we go.

    Suggestion 1:
    You wrote
    She sat up on the bed and looked around as her eyes began to adjust, the room smelt faintly of mould, she could see other beds, all vacant in this reasonably sized room, where was she?
    This is a bit long. It might be better as four sentences.
    She sat up on the bed and looked around. The room smelt faintly of mould. As her eyes began to adjust, she could see other beds, all vacant in this reasonably sized room. Where was she?

  • edited March 2015
    Suggestion 2:
    You wrote:
    As F’lar stood up she took stock of her clothes, plain cloth, not high quality but could be worse, at least there were no holes.

    Once again, it might be better to let the reader pause for breath.
    As F’lar stood up she took stock of her clothes: plain cloth, not high quality but could be worse. At least there were no holes.
  • edited March 2015
    Suggestion 3:
    You wrote:
    F’lar felt unsteady on her legs, weak and disorientated, she could recall her name was F'lar Minuai and seemed to have vague recollections of a sister, possibly named Pea and a friend whose name she couldn't remember, like much of everything else, F’lar had no recollection of anything in her life before waking up just moments ago.


    This is another run-on sentence that could possibly be made into three.
    F’lar felt unsteady on her legs, weak and disorientated. She could recall her name was F'lar Minuai, and seemed to have vague recollections of a sister, possibly named Pea, and a friend whose name she couldn't remember. Like much of everything else, F’lar had no recollection of anything in her life before waking up just moments ago.
  • edited March 2015
    Suggestion 4:
    You wrote:
    There was a backpack also sat next to the bed, she picked it up and had a look through, a book with nothing written on the pages, a knife, some lint, not a lot to help her work out what was going on.  With bag in hand she moved across the room to a doorway which led to another room beyond it, her feet creaked across the old wooden floorboards and the ceilings were low, definitely a roof space, as she made her way to the back room F’lar found a staircase leading down, she could hear voices, crackling from a fire and clanking of mugs and tankards.

    Once again, I suggest breaking it up a little.
    There was a backpack also sat next to the bed. She picked it up and had a look through: a book with nothing written on the pages, a knife, some lint. Not a lot to help her work out what was going on.  With bag in hand she moved across the room to a doorway which led to another room beyond it. Her feet creaked across the old wooden floorboards and the ceilings were low - definitely a roof space. As she made her way to the back room F’lar found a staircase leading down. She could hear voices, crackling from a fire and the clanking of mugs and tankards.
  • edited March 2015
    Suggestion 5:
    You wrote:
    'I brew it all here locally, mainly because we haven't gotten any real ale from Kingsport in weeks now, maybe if you get up to Kingsport you can ask the innkeeper there why we haven't gotten any ale shipments?

    Again, shorter sentences often work better.
    'I brew it all here locally, mainly because we haven't gotten any real ale from Kingsport in weeks now. Maybe if you get up to Kingsport you can ask the innkeeper there why we haven't gotten any ale shipments?

  • Suggestion 6:
    OK, I won't mention any more run-on sentences. 

    You wrote:
    That is exactly what she went on a did

    Which I assume was intended to be:
    That is exactly what she went on and did

  • Suggestion 7:
    Missing preposition.

    You wrote:
    F'lar listened but she wasn't sure who the Obsidian Order were or what war he was referring. 

    You need a preposition. Yes, it's OK to put one at the end of a sentence.
    F'lar listened, but she wasn't sure who the Obsidian Order were or what war he was referring to

  • Suggestion 8:

    Plural.

    You wrote:
    From what she could work out there had been some sort of an attack from monster the residents refer to as the undead. 

    That was probably meant to be
    From what she could work out there had been some sort of an attack from monsters the residents refer to as the undead. 

  • Suggestion 9:

    You wrote:
    F'lar shock her head 

    This seems to be a typo, which should be
    F'lar shook her head 

  • I love the story so far, and think it is brilliant how you have crafted it from your in game experiences. You have a way with words, and have expressed things really well. 

    Regarding the run on sentence thing, maybe you could try reading your paragraphs out loud. If you run out of breath, then maybe your sentences are a little long. :)

  • Lol wow so I don't like it when people breath it would seem :p Definitely a theme with the errors, good having others read over it as now I am aware of this it is something I will focused on more when writing the next one! :D Aww this is so nice to actually get feedback, thank you Womby for your kind words as well as the eye opening corrections :D
  • Feedback is what we're here for. As an example, here you can see one of my efforts being commented on by several others, resulting in many improvements:


  • I have updated all the recommendations on the version I host on my site: http://sotakinship.enjin.com/diary/m/30306864/article/2820711/page/2  Thank you for the help :D
  • Wow, I love your site F'lar, it looks fantastic! It look forward to seeing it grow over time. Do you design web sites professionally?

    You are welcome back any time you want an honest appraisal. We are all about helping each other improve our work, and although it may perhaps feel a little brutal at times, it is done with the honest intention to help each other improve. You are certainly encouraged to comment on any other work you find posted on this site, including my own.

    Also, we have a story called The Thread in progress, which we hope to keep going indefinitely. Feel free to add to it if the mood takes you.

  • Sorry it's taken me a bit to comment... I generally tend to wait until I have the time to go over things with a fine toothed comb!  I've only managed to review the first half here.  I used the version on your website for these...

    F'lar woke
    in an unfamiliar room, it was quite dark but she could hear birds
    outside, she squinted as she cast her eyes over to the sunlight creeping
    through a boarded up window.


    This one could easily be split into three sentences after "room" and after "outside".  The general idea is that independent clauses should not be joined simply by a comma. Something else is needed like a "but" or an "and"... which leads me to...

    Another point is that you should add a comma before "but".  When a conjunction joins two standalone sentences, you need one.

    She instinctively picked up the hat next to the bed and went to put it on, 'I guess this is my hat…' she thought.

    Here's another place where a period should go after "on".  Also you still need punctuation after the ellipses before the quotations mark... like this -> '... this is my hat...,' she thought. 

    Was an interesting hat, a top hat made from leather...

    The phrase starting this sentence doesn't work.  I don't think you really need it... "interesting" is a subjective sentiment that either should be attributed to a character, or left to the reader to feel based on your description.  It's like when you tell someone that you have a funny joke and they don't laugh. These kind of subjective impressions should be left up to the reader.  Anyway, I think you should simply say: "It was a top hat..."

    plain cloth, not high quality but could be worse.

    The use of a coordinating conjunction like "but" always links two independent clauses or two items.  So the but here could join two adjectives like - > not high quality but usable.  Or it can be used to join two independence clauses like -> They were not high quality, but they were comfortable.

    As F’lar stood up she took stock of her
    clothes: plain cloth, not high quality but could be worse.  At least
    there were no holes.  F’lar felt unsteady on her legs, weak and
    disorientated.


    Here's a style issue.  The fact that F'lar feels unsteady should be the first thing described - right now there's a dissonance in that it seems like she gets up fine and is able to analyze here clothes but then in opposition we're told that she's really disoriented.  I would move her taking stock of her clothes after the description of being unsteady. (after "moments ago.").  Maybe say something like "As she regained her balance, she took stock of her clothes.." 

     Like much of everything else, F’lar had no recollection of anything in her life before waking up just moments ago.

    There are two dissonances here.  I don't understand what "like much of everything else" means - what could everything else be beyond everything in her life up to this point?  The second dissonance is that you just mentioned some recollections in the previous sentence, so technically you can't say she had "no recollection of anything".

    There was a backpack also sat next to the bed.

    The position of also is ambiguous here.  It might go better at the beginning of the sentence. 

    With bag in hand she moved across the room to a doorway which led to another room beyond it.

    You might want to say taking instead of with, just as a style point.  Describing action is always best!  I would also put a comma after hand as it is a natural break in the sentence.  It is right on the cusp of the length where a comma would be required for an introductory phrase, but I think the sentence sounds better with it.

     As she made her way to the back room F’lar found a staircase leading down. 

    Not sure how to locate this "back room" since you have only said she moved from one room to another.  Also confusing: is this the same room she just entered or another that she found?

    She could hear voices, crackling from a fire and clanking of mugs and tankards.


    The items joined by a coordinating conjunction must be parallel.  It's a style thing - they are all nouns, but two are gerunds, so it sounds a little discordant.  If you replaced voices with talking, you'd have a beautifully parallel construction... 3 gerunds.

    s she got to the bottom of the stairs a rather large burly man called over, 'Sleep Okay?'

    Comma after stairs is necessary.

    F'lar made her way over to him, 'Welcome, I'm Flynn Gilson to the Braemar Inn and Tavern.  Best ale in all of Vale!'.


    The comma makes it seem like F'lar is the one who is going to do the talking - a period is better. 

    'Ale' she muttered in confusion.

    Even a small quote that doesn't end a sentence needs a comma -> 'Ale,' she muttered...

    I know there have been wolves and the occasional undead along the road but this is ALE we're talking about.'

    Even a small quote that doesn't end a sentence needs a comma -> 'Ale,' she muttered...

    t
    that moment F'lar heard a large, well-dressed man at the bar call to
    the barmaid, 'Abela, another cider please.  This one seems to be empty.'
     F'lar looked over at the man and Abela.


    Saying F'lar heard the man and then launching into a visual description created a dissonance here.  Usually someone hears, and then looks over and appraises.  So you should move the description to after she looks over at him.  You could also put a comma after "moment", seems to flow better.

    'That's Albert Halverson' said Flynn,
    'Poor ole Albert is stuck here with the rest of us.  He doesn't say
    much.  Just comes in, drinks his ale, and pines for whatever, or
    whoever, he left back in Owl's Head.'

    Need a comma after Halverson inside the quote.  Although it's falling out of usage, "whomever" would be the grammatically correct choice instead of "whoever" since it is the object of the preposition "for."

    'How long have you known the barmaid?' F'lar enquired..

    Type with the two periods.

    'Who Abela?  Well she is a sweet girl.
     Lonely, I think.  Lost her whole family to those things.  It ain't
    right.  Someone needs to do something or we're all gonna end up just
    like they did.'


    Here Flynn doesn't answer Abela's question - make sure that is intentional.  Probably need a comment after who at the beginning since Abela is somewhat of an appositive to who.

    F'lar's mind began to spin, was she a victum of whatever Flynn was talking about?

    Replace the comma with a period since the clauses are independent.  Typo: victim. 

    Had she lost her family to the ‘undead’? 
    Was she attacked by them and lucky to be alive now?  F’lar needed fresh
    air, she began to ambulate away from Flynn and towards the open door of
    the tavern.


    You haven't mentioned the undead before so it raises questions as to how F'lar knows that this is what people are referring to.  Also comma instead of period after air.  "Ambulate" is one of those words that sounds awkward because it's rare and sounds like a deliberate attempt to change up the vocabulary or use a big word.  Walk will not draw the reader away from what you're trying to say.  Simpler words with exact same meaning are better.

    ust
    before she made it out Abela approached her, 'Did you sleep well?  Are
    you feeling better?  You have been up there for days just sleeping,
    Flynn found you in the forest a few days ago!  I don't know how you
    survived alone and unarmed, what were you doing out there?'


    You need a comma after out.  Comma should be a period after sleeping.  Comma should also be a period after unarmed.
  • edited March 2015
    Vyrin,

    Thank you for doing this for me, and sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.

    I have poured over this, not only correctly, but also attempting to understand what it is I am correcting.  I am making notes and researching some of these terms of English.  I am very keen to learn and improve.

    A couple of questions.  The paragraph where F'lar first stood up seemed to be a mess.  This is the re-write, please let me know what you think.  

    'F’lar stood, feeling unsteady and disorientated she began to gain composure.  F'lar took stock of her clothes: plain cloth.  They were not high quality, but they were comfortable.  At least there were no holes.  She could recall her name was F'lar Minuai and seemed to have vague recollections of a sister, possibly named Pea and a friend named Crath.  These few names were the only details of her life she could recall before waking up just moments ago.'

    The second part was the use of the word ambulate.  I completely understand what you are saying, I did try to find a simpler word because 'walk' doesn't convey the action clearly enough for me.  I can't think of a better, simpler word.  I just know that walk is not really what she did.

    I want it to be a slow walk, in thought walking, a little like meandering, only with less diversions.  Moves slowly towards might be better.

    Original: '...she began to ambulate away from Flynn.'

    Replacement: 'Slowly, she began to walk away from Flynn.'

    It isn't exactly what I want, but adding the slowly to the walk is closer.

    Lastly, is there to be a second half?  I am very keen!  I have started writing the next one and I want to try and include all I learn from here.
  • Happy to explain anything and this is exactly the point of the site - to have non-threatening communication that makes us all better!

    Ok here are the comments on the new paragraph:  I catch more as I go through it again, but don't be daunted as you've got great content, which is 90% of the battle.

    'F’lar stood, feeling unsteady and disorientated she began to gain composure. 

    I missed this in the first go. There needs to be something between disoriented and she.  Perhaps something like this: "F'lar stood, feeling unsteady and disoriented, but gaining composure."

    F'lar t
    ook stock of her clothes: plain cloth. 

    Use the pronoun here (she) instead of repeating the proper name twice.

    She could recall her name was F'lar
    Minuai and seemed to have vague recollections of a sister, possibly
    named Pea and a friend 
    named Crath.

    I would start this as a new paragraph, since it seems to be a different direction than her examination of the clothes.  She did not "seem to have" vague recollections, she actually did have vague recollections, so I would replace "seemed to have" with "had". Need a comma after Pea.

     
    These few names were the only details of her life she could recall before waking up just moments ago.'

    I think this sentence is superfluous, especially since we know she just woke up already.  My recommendation would be to change the previous sentence: "She could not recall much.  She knew her name was F'lar Minui.  She had vague recollections of a sister, possibly named Pea, and a friend named Crath."

    --

    There's not really a word to capture what you want to say that I can think of..  Amble/saunter, they all have kind of an idea of relaxation about them.  I guess the question is why is she walking slowly - is she not feeling well?
  • edited March 2015
    Ok now onto the next part!

    you haven't consumed anything in days, and you’re weak.

    Same concern here about using bigger words than necessary - most people would say eaten instead of consumed. 

    F’lar held Abela’s kind smile for a moment,  'I will be back later' F'lar confirmed and left the tavern.

    Oftentimes telling people again what you said, like "F'lar confirmed" sounds off.  There is very little reason in most cases to not just use "said."  What about just putting a period after later.  Then the next sentence can be: She left the tavern.

    he
    sun felt warm on her face, she closed her eyes and just felt the
    goodness soak into her skin, for a moment she felt so calm, more normal,
    more like herself…


    This should be three sentences with periods after face and skin.  I like the ellipses because it's like she's coming back to memory but not quite.

    she opened her eyes as she wondered if she did feel
    normal, more like herself or if she had forgotten that feeling as well. 


    This is redundant and I would figure out a way to say it differently.  For example, "She opened her eyes.  How could she know if she was feeling like herself?"

    Suddenly she was interrupted by a perfect stranger, 'Hello, my name is
    Elijah Brightblade.  I like to help out new visitors to this area, never
    seen you before so I know you are new, just saw you come out the
    tavern, did you find the basement? 


    Let's add a period after area and new.

    If not, you should pop down there as
    I happen to know the innkeeper has a sword and iron chest armour on the
    very bottom floor, might be worth grabbing those before you head out.'  


    "I happen to know" is one of those things that people don't need to say because if you're saying it, of course you know it!  So I would put a period after there.  Start a new sentence with the innkeeper.  Also end that sentence with a period after floor.

    lightly
    bemused but appreciative of the helpful nature F'lar was certain she
    didn't want to go stealing anything from Flynn. 


    "his helpful nature".  Comma after nature.

    There were some houses
    along a dusty track but otherwise it seemed like the tavern was the
    only attraction in this place, a few people shuffled about the dust. 



    Need a comma after track.  Put a period after place.

    ‘Maybe a walk in the warm sun, some fresh air and possibly a chat with
    some locals, followed by a good meal and an early night is all I need to
    feel as right as rain again’ she thought. 


    Need a comma after again inside the quotes.

    That is exactly what she
    did, however as dusk began to draw in she didn't feel relaxed or calm,


    Period after did.  Comma after however, which starts a new sentence.  Period after calm.

    the stories and news she had heard about this small sleepy place called
    Braemar was unpleasant, many of them had mentioned she should talk with
    Halmar the only guard in Braemar.


    Stories and news "were" unpleasant - plural verb is the subject.  Period after unpleasant.  When you say "many of them" the them sounds like it refers to the stories and news.  But they wouldn't have mentioned she should talk with Halmar.  Better say, "Many people..."

    ---

    At this point I'm going to stop because I'm confused about the plot.  She just woke up without her memory, so how has she had time to hear all the stories and news?

    After having read quite a bit now, one thing to always remember is to avoid run on sentences.  Commas are the enemy here.  It's not a hard and fast rule, but ask yourself why you aren't using a period instead of a comma, and that will help.
  • I couldn't agree more with your observations re run on sentences. 

    As for potential plot holes, don't worry too much. I find that if I put something aside for a few days then at some point I'll have a random "Aha!" moment and know exactly what to do.

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