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- Vyrin & Womby

King of Shards

Well... as my "family" of characters has taken a rather circuitous route before any set foot in Novia, I figured I would flesh out the story bringing them here. 

I had originally started this over a year ago in the SotA forums, and while it received some 'likes', I never got anything more constructive in terms of feedback. Then, well... life hit in a bunch of different ways, and I came back to it recently to find it locked (probably due to inactivity).  

So... without further ado... here is the story of the al'Fahn family, and the fractured worlds they have left behind. As always, constructive criticism is appreciated and encouraged!

Comments

  • edited May 2015
    *SNIP*
  • (Note: This is not the same Alphonse as in The Thread - part 3".  I grabbed the name because there is a backstory for Alphonse in this story, lost to the interwebs, where he dabbles in alchemy but comes to draw his main source of income from the manufacture of poisons.  I was immediately reminded of it and the spin on both stories in The Thread came to mind.)
  • Ok let's start with a few suggestions - there is a lot here to go through - a lot of AWESOME material!  I love your writing, and remember that my suggestions are just suggestions.

    Let's take this paragraph to start:

    It
    isn’t right, the sailor thought, noting the sudden shift in the wind.
    Looking down to the waves, capping in a direction directly opposed to
    the wind, only reinforced his fears. These occurrences, on their own,
    would normally be nothing more than a passing oddity to the wiry,
    sea-wise captain. Stranger things, he knew, existed within the darkling
    depths of the ocean… things he had fought on more than one occasion. No,
    these alone would not have bothered him, but then there was the issue
    of the fish.

    There weren’t any.

    1) Did you realize that every sentence has an intervening phrase following the pattern, -----, phrase,-----?
    Varying sentence structure is important.
    2) I'd be careful to use the separate sentence to heighten tension.  It's like a big shiny arrow in a book saying, "this is important!"  It's ok sparingly, but it's better not to try to artificially heighten tension or point things out.  Better to show it with your words.
    3) I don't know why you keep the character generic to start.  I think you should introduce Tachys' name right at the start.  Otherwise, people can get lost in who you're talking about.  An unnamed character seems like an unimportant character.
    4) Be wary of excessive adjectives - "to the wiry, sea-wise captain".  One would hope any captain is sea-wise just by virtue of their position.  Also, why is it important to say he's wiry?  It doesn't seem to be introduced for any reason.
    5) Ellipses (...) are a punctuation mark to be used sparingly - you start of once per paragraph.  It's a style choice - but I'd save them to highlight extra special moments of pause or interruption.


  • See? That's what I'm talking about!

    "I love it! But..."

    :D

    I see your point on the ellipses and separate "bullet" sentences.  I tend to use the ellipsis a lot, in everything, not just 'serious' writing, and so have been trying to consciously cut back on them.  This was a year and more ago, before I put myself on that particular diet *laughs*

    As for Tachys, I... well... I had intended the anonymity to be brief (perhaps a paragraph or two), and I just kept on writing, and writing, and writing...

    (AAAAAHHHH! Ellipses!)

    As for Mr. Wiry, I need to work on deciding when and how far to go in describing characters, whether bit by bit over the course of something like the "intro" sections for the three brothers, or an adjectigasm of description, or a middle ground that I obviously haven't found yet. So yeah, it was kind of a tossed in there after the fact kind of thing.

    Hadn't noticed the pattern (of course, or I would have stamped it out!)  I'll look at it more closely. Are you talking the whole thing or just near the beginning?

    I'll wait for more before I start tweaking ;)
  • I am in awe. One tiny observation:

    "One mis-step, and you could find yourself less a limb rather than holding handful of food... if you are extremely lucky!"

    I believe you need "a" before "handful".

    As for the rest, I found it both discouraging and inspirational - discouraging that I shall never be able to match your talent, yet at the same time inspirational in the discovery that such talent is indeed possible. Bravo!


  • Womby... you flatter and humble me in the same sentence! *bows*

    Thank you... I would be more flattered if I had managed to come up wit more over the course of the last year though :D
  • edited May 2015
    Slumbering deep within the embrace of its adopted mother, the entity dreamed. Flashes of flame and blood, of steel and screams skittered across the landscape its consciousness in a nightmarish jumble. It shifted fitfully, sending tremors through the walls of its stony creche.  Very recently, as the ancient being measured time, the clarion call of its creator had drawn it across the inky depths of the ether to this new home, promising fulfillment.

    Through its travels, it bore witness to many wonders and tragedies, glories and oddities, but to these it paid no heed. Its creator had called, nothing else mattered.  In the way a child trusts, it knew that all was as it needed to be. Its creator had called, and would not fail to uphold the promise.

    Its arrival had scorched the world, leaving calamity in its wake.  This devastation provided the comet-borne thing the time needed to take root in the rocky walls of its womb.  Even when the host could muster a response to this violation, the already weakened state of its defenders revealed the far-reaching hand of the monster's creator. The fierce but brief battle that ensued accomplished naught but the obliteration of the creature's protective shell. Finding it empty, the defenders believed themselves victorious, and they celebrated the elimination of the foul infestation.  This was an illusion it was in no hurry to shatter, for while they were distracted it had feasted well and long and needed rest.  In the deep caverns it had retreated to during the battle the beast continued growing until it had extended to every corner of the land.  It was all a part of the process however, one which neared its end. 

    The dreamtime was over. The healing and generative sleep was ending.

    “It is time, my child”, called the Creator.

    The creature allowed the elation it felt to surge, pulsing along the innumerable tendrils of its being…

    …and the whole world shuddered.

    ____________________________________________________

    Part one: Wind and Water

    Chapter One: Shudders

    Standing at the rudder, Tachys worked hard against the drift of the current to keep his prow cutting to the southeast.  It had been weeks since he had last seen the dappled sunlight on the thatching of the al'Fahn homestead.  'Hell an' fire,' he thought to himself, 'I been hearing waves slapping against the hull for so long that Marie's nagging would sound like music from an angel!'  At that thought of his dear wife, a wry grin creased his broad face.  'Sure as she's lovely enough ta rival an angel' he thought with a chuckle, 'but soon as those gums flap, devils would nay stand athwart her!'

    As if to mock his private mirth and need, his sails flagged and deflated altogether as the wind shifted, forcing him to engage the rudder brake and change their set to catch the wind anew.  Even as he moved to correct it, he felt the strangeness of it all.  There was something amiss that tugged at his awareness like a child demanding a sweet treat.  While belaying the last of the lines, he looked down and noticed what was amiss: the waves were capping in a direction directly opposed to the wind.  Odd as that might be, he knew stranger things existed within the darkling depths of the ocean.  'Damnation!' he thought, 'I've fought some of them on more than one occasion.'

    The strangest situation coming to mind dealt with the fish, or lack thereof.  There had been nothing to catch today, nothing yesterday, nothing last week. It was as if all the fish had disappeared from the ocean overnight. Then again, nothing had been right at all since the War, not just on the ocean, but everywhere. Strange winds and un-following seas were just the beginning, he knew. His brothers, one a master craftsman, the other an alchemist of no small repute, had reported similar strangeness in their daily routines...

    Markham, in the more recent of his weekly trips to acquire deadfall for woodworking and keeping warm, had spied no game. Birds, deer, small rodents, all gone.  Tachys feared for what the lack of prey might mean in terms of the safety of his brother and his own dear wife, Marie.

    Alphonse, having relocated his alchemical and magical practice to the struggling village of N’Yew to further his self-assigned restitution for past misdeeds, reported strange results to rather ordinary brews and castings. So strange, in fact, that he rarely attempted any magicks higher than the occasional recall any more, for fear of what the result might mean to life and limb.

    A sudden shock rippled up through him from the deck of the ship, tearing him from his reverie. Rushing to the rail, he peered into the depths for the cause.  Finding nothing, the odd movement of the waves drew his gaze up to the horizon where a shockwave spread through the water in a noticeable arc.  A deep and abiding dread grew in his gut as he realized the origin lay to the aft of his modest fishing vessel. The distant sound of rushing, roaring water confirmed his fear, and he turned slowly to confront it: a tidal wave, no doubt created by the shock, grew on the horizon as it drew nearer to him, and thus, closer to the shore.

    As quick as his stout legs would move him, he dashed about the deck of the ship, securing all that he could ahead of the coming calamity. Once all was secure, he dashed back to the rudder to turn the small vessel into the approaching wave. Feeling the angle of the deck incline ever so slightly as the tidal surge swelled beneath the ship, the sailor worked to lock the rudder in place, hoping it might save the craft, and therefore himself. The swell increased to an untenable degree, and Tachys knew he passed through the threshold from which he could not turn back.  True to his nature, he lashed himself to the tiller and waited.

    A sudden gust, again nearly directly opposed to the coming wave, filled the sail, and urged the ship up, up, up the rolling mass of water. Hope grew in his breast that some sea god he had never acknowledged had, perhaps, come to him in this moment of dire need, and would give his craft the impetus needed to surmount the wave, and avoid the fate that loomed over him. The gust grew in strength, and the ship moved further up the swell.

    Then the wave began to crest.

    Grimly aware of what was to come, Tachys al’Fahn closed his eyes, and felt the ship slip, then roll backwards, the whole world going topsy-turvy for a few enduring moments, before crashing down around him, into a roaring, rending blackness.

    ____________________________________________________<><><><><>

    Today, as with every other day for some time, the woods were quiet. Not in the sense that it lacked the sound of travelers, or that the local animals, sensing his presence, had gone to ground and hushed to avoid being located, but a eerie stillness that lacked even the wind rushing through the leaves. Markham could understand nearby animals going still, but this went far beyond that, and the complete and utter emptiness of the forest unnerved him. Game had become extremely scarce, with the animals disappearing in waves... first the smallest of them all, then the next smallest, and so on. It was as if the animals had heard a call no human could discern, and fled towards it, never to be seen again. This was ridiculous, he knew, but the absurdity of it changed nothing. Markham had tracked down a fair number of larger animals over the past few weeks, but even these were becoming more rare as time progressed. Worse still, as the smaller game became scarce, the competition for it from larger predators grew, making the woods, already dangerous enough for the unwary and ignorant, even deadlier as these predators started hunting each other.

    Something else the seasoned hunter had noticed since the War had ended, was the trees themselves. It was the middle of spring, yet nothing bloomed, not flower or tree, and leaves were beginning to cover the forest floor. Each day that blanket grew thicker, the thinning canopy above opening to allow the hazy blue sky to peek through in places where no sunlight should show directly through for months yet to come. The ranger walked up to the trunk of one of the mighty oaks that proliferated in this section of the wood, and ran his hand across the rough bark. The tree looked diseased, the bark that should be thick, dark and whole was instead mottled and crumbling, and as he slid his hand further, a large portion of it came off the tree. Looking up, he saw some areas completely stripped bare to show the graying wood underneath.

    It was not winter, so animals could not be to blame for the missing covering, he knew... Besides, what would be eating it anyway? he asked silently, knowing the deer had long since vacated this area. A glance at the ground showed where the bark had gone, large sections of it just laying about the base of the trunk. Kneeling down, he picked up a piece of the shed bark, the papery texture reminiscent of dead, sloughed skin. Another look around the area showed the same thing was happening to many other trees, as if they had been afflicted with some kind of infestation, yet there were not even insects upon which to lay blame.

    As he stood to leave, Markham caught something at the very edge of perception... a small thing, as if he had heard the very last echo of a word spoken at the dawn of creation. Nervously, he cast about, searching for the source, but before he could find it, something else made itself known. This time, the source-less sound blasted up through the ground, reverberating in his bones, and the world seemed to turn sideways several times at once. Then as quickly as it had happened, it was gone, leaving the forest looking like a public house for giants the morning after a party. Everywhere around him, the trees, already weak, had fallen to the ground in random directions. If the lack of animals had made the forest eerie, the utter emptiness that surrounded him in the wake of this miniature cataclysm made Markham itch right between his shoulders. No longer desiring anything he might find here, and knowing, deep in his belly, that something was truly and deeply wrong, Markham turned and began to make his way back home, alone in this dying forest with only his troubled thoughts for company.

    ____________________________________________________

    Roland strode though the dusty streets of N'Yew with determination, seeking this day a certain loud and obnoxiously prideful mage. Once, there had been much more to Yew... the Court, the Abbey and its vinyards, the town itself, but now it was all but gone. The people were industrious and dedicated, but too few, with too little time, to make much of a dent in the rubble that was Yew after the Time of the Comet. Their perseverance brought a slight grin to his face, and a twinkle to his deep, slightly wide-set brown eyes.

    "By all that is Virtuous, they will make it happen!" he thought, the pride in him swelling beyond the doubts for the first time in a long while. Things had truly been terrible at the outset, but the drive and spirit of the people of old Yew were ever up to the task. Though the town had been reduced to less than a husk of its former self, and the land still did not yield nearly as well as in times past, the Citizens had banded together to remake this home in the image of their newfound will, a place of iron with the soul of the forest. At first, dread things had continued to roam free through the shadows of night, and some stalked even into the daylight hours, but most of these had been pushed back into the nightmare realms from which they hailed. Now, the day was for the living, and even the twilight times were safe... well, safer, anyway.

    He continued to scan the town for the head of long, straight blond hair he sought, still having no luck. Knowing the man he sought, Roland began to widen his search to include the occasional alleyway. "He always did like skulking when he was up to something." The wry thought brought a different grin to Roland's face.

    Movement far down the alley he was passing caught his eye. Halfway out of the shadows, a tall, slender man in red silken robes stood menacingly before a child, hands chopping and slashing about in the throws of spellcasting. The child appeared frozen, though the reason was lost to Roland, given the distance and the fact the child was facing away from him. Knowing he was too far away to intervene, still Roland began a charge, hoping to get close enough to perhaps throw a weapon and interrupt the spell.

    He saw the reagents come out, recognized the Mandrake, and felt the color drain from his face. The caster's downturned face, still mostly covered in shadow, was a barely discernible mask of utter concentration, the long strands of flaxen hair beginning to mat about his brow, absorbing the sweat from the effort needed to control any flows of ether these days. Considering the danger involved, and the presence of the Mandrake, Roland feared something truly diabolical, but could not even muster a shout to try and dislodge the child from its fearful paralysis.

    Then the hands came up, the reagents glittering with fitful bursts of light as the ether infused and powered them, waiting for the incantation that would light the tinder, and Roland knew it was too late.

    "IN MANI YLEM!!!" the caster cried exultantly, in a voice that rang pure as a perfect silver bell, yet at the same time sounding as though ripped from the very depths of the man's soul, echoing with variations of all that he was or ever could be. As the words melted from memory in the fashion of mist clearing before the morning sun, and Roland's eyes adjusted to the shadowy alley once more, he was gifted with a peculiar vision: A very exhausted, very sweaty, Alphonse al'Fahn squatting before the grinning child, extended hand holding a shiny red apple.

    Shaking his head ruefully as he sheathed his sword, Roland stepped towards Alphonse, hand extended to help the shaky mage to his feet. "You really should cease with the cloak and dagger routine, it does not become you!" he said, chuckling.

    "What, and take away the mystery for my adoring fans?" Alphonse quipped sarcastically. "Really, Roland, if I did this more openly, or more often, I could not handle the stress from the demand! "

    Looking askance at his friend, Roland asked, "Is it really so difficult? I know and trust your assessment, but by your own past admission, this is not such a difficult spell to cast."

    "That much is true, creating the occasional apple or wedge of stinky cheese is not staggeringly difficult. In times past, I would have barely given it a second thought for all the strength and ability required. The challenge now is the Ether." Alphonse clarified, "When I first learned the art, accessing it was much like selecting the appropriate sized container, and scooping it up as you might scoop water. Since the Comet, it is as if the Ether were no calm stream or pond, but a violent maelstrom centered around the caster. You must simultaneously root yourself in the center, and reach out to wrest what you need from the twisting currents of energy. One mis-step, and you could find yourself less a limb rather than holding a handful of food... if you are extremely lucky!"

    Roland allowed himself a low whistle of astonishment at the idea. "Is there any way to find the cause, and mayhap correct it?"

    Alphonse appeared to consider the possibility, but then shook his head. "I've tried to divine the source of the disruption, but as the divination is to creating food as running a mile through broken terrain is to walking, my attempts have been few and dangerously unsuccessful."

    "Certainly you could form a circle and link powers and abilities, making the working of higher magicks less strenuous?" Roland reasoned.

    Alphonse shook his head again, "Even should I find any of like strength and ability, this would not be possible... Once, maybe, but the state of the Ether and how it must be handled disrupts any attempts to join efforts. Then, there is the feel to consider."

    "Feel?" Roland asked skeptically, "What do you mean, feel"

    "Exactly what it implies, Roland!" Alphonse snapped savagely, "There have been writings of times of similar distress... You've heard of them, certainly! The author usually bears an honorific such as "the Mad" or "the Gibberer"! I, for one, do not wish to sacrifice what remains of my mind and ability on the slim chance that I will miraculously repair what damage has been done!"

  • It's midnight here in Phoenix... more tweaks to come after I am back in Illinois ;)
  • I like the changes you made... here's another chunk.  I have to break it into pieces to work on otherwise it's too daunting!  There is no, "I love it, but..." here but only "I love it, and..." :)

    Slumbering
    deep within the embrace of its adopted mother, the entity dreamed.
    Flashes of flame and blood, of steel and screams skittered across the
    landscape of that dream in a nightmarish jumble. It shifted fitfully, sending tremors through the walls of its stony creche.  
    Very recently, as the ancient being measured time, the clarion call of its creator had drawn it across the inky depths of the ether to this new home, promising fulfillment.

    1) Entity is extremely generic - in fact, every existing thing is an entity.  It works just as well to give a sense of something unnamed.  I think generic is ok here but is there some hint you can give in what you call it to entice the reader more?
    2) When you say "of that dream" it sounds a little discordant because you only say the entity is dreaming and so there's no reference to a particular dream.  Maybe "skittered through its mind?"  Your call.

    Across uncountable leagues, it
    bore witness to many wonders and tragedies, glories and oddities, but
    to these it paid no heed. Its creator had called, nothing else mattered.
    It knew, in the way a child trusts, that all was as it should be, as it needed to be. Its creator had called, and would not fail to uphold the promise.

    1) "across the inky depths of the ether" and then "across uncountable leagues" sounds a little repetitive - also can you measure leagues in ether?  I don't know.  I think you can take out the second and it works still just fine.
    2) The "its creator had called repetition" is nice stylistically so I would say that is different.  It reinforces the creature's perspective - the centrality of that.  So leave that in!
    3) The comma use gets a little heavy.  For short introductory phrases you don't need them unless you want them... example is "very recently" above.  Remember commas that aren't explicitly necessary - and there are quite a few in these two paragraphs - indicate places you want the reader to pause momentarily in the reading.  Be intentional about where you put non-required commas.  If you have questions about the things required - here's a simple list: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp. ; This one has a little more: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/01/.

  • One quick note before I grab something to eat and literally "jet":

    The entity is a big ball of green goo encased in a rocky carapace, that had been called down  from the heavens (I had always envisioned space to be what we called the ether, or at least an extension of it, thanks to the original story for Ultima 9 i believe), and slammed into Sosaria in the woods southeast of Yew on the RunUO Shard of Divinity.  It's creator is the Guardian, and as you guess, he set this plan in motion a very, VERY long time ago. The War of the Comet (the war being referred to in the story) was the last "official" storyline items I was responsible for creating (not that Divinity had many... It made Mos Eisley look GOOD, at least as far as Obi Wan's description of the place goes...), and leads up to the actual LAST "story" ever told on Divinity, which was the shard's utter annihilation as the players were urged out of the remains of Britain, into the burning rubble of Castle British, and through a gate to another world (their new shard, Revelation).

    My sig on the forums starting to make sense? ;) 

    As for the entity, it never really had a name, as the people of Divinity all assumed the shell of the Comet was the entity. So, given that it is a big ball of goo (not unlike a monstrous combination of a tumor and a pus-filled sac with tendrils/tentacles extending out in nearly every direction through the entire surface of Britannia (semi-spoiler... and who finds it is one I won't reveal yet), with some other abilities that are yet to be revealed, whose sole purpose is to rip the world open like an exploding egg... 

    Well, you get the idea, I think ;)
  • *looks further down the changes wrought at and after midnight and notes several more examples of ___, phrase, ____....*

    GAH!
  • Womby... getting to yours... soonish? :P

    Thanks again!
  • To help break it down and avoid reposting thousands of words *grins*, I'll do the following.

    Words highlighted in this fashion (that is to say, not at all): are open for comment and remain fluid in terms of content.

    Words highlighted in this fashion: Indicate rewrites from suggestions posted (per the norm on the forum).

    Words highlighted in this fashion: Indicate that the content has been reviewed and ultimately is considered final.  That does not mean that comments on it are unwelcome, just that we've hashed it out, and THINK we have come to a decent version.

    Until things are green-lit *grins*, they will be revised and yellow-lit.  If a yellow-lit revision is further commented on, previously applied highlighting will be removed and the new revision highlighted appropriately. 

    Once a chapter is completed, it will be noted in the subject and I'll post another one :D

     
  • This is quite an ambitious project, and I am happy to engage it with you!  Since you made the shift to name Tachys right away it starts in such a natural way.  I am immediately engaged when it opens!

    Hell
    an' fire, he had heard the sound of waves slapping against the hull for
    so long that Marie's nagging or Markham's never-ending tree-babble
    echoed through the halls of his memory like choral tributes from the
    throats of angels!  
    At that thought a wry grin creased his broad face.  'Sure
    as she's lovely enough ta rival an angel' he thought with a chuckle,
    'but soon as those gums flap, devils would nay stand athwart her!'

    The first sentence here is hard to follow because of length.  It won't be obvious what tree-babble is to the reader (e.g., this is a fantasy story, is it a tree language?)  Also, I think you're trying to say that he was tired of the sound of the waves and it made him long to hear his siblings. 

    The third sentence references she - but you also mention Markham in between, so it's a little discordant.  Either I wouldn't mention Markham, or mention him after.... e.g. after the quote about Marie: Even Markham's babble about trees would be preferable. (Provided merely for example.)


    Even as he moved to correct it he felt the strangeness of it all.

    Comma after it.  There is a natural pause there.

    Odd as that might be, however, he knew stranger things existed within the darkling depths of the ocean.

    "Odd as that might be" and "however" are redundant in meaning here.  One is sufficient.

    Damnation, he had fought some of them on more than one occasion! 

    Exclamation points outside of quotes are frowned upon - besides note how you already express this with the use of damnation at the beginning of the sentence. 

    No, this alone would not have bothered him, but there was the fish, or lack thereof.

    This sentence is as choppy as the seas you describe.  The "no" at the beginning is giving the sense that you are allowing the general ease of Tachys' internal dialogue to bleed into the narrator's description.  You have to be a little careful with that.  I would take it out.  "There was" needs to be "There were" since fish is plural here.  The ending still sounds a little cumbersome. 

    His
    brothers, one a master craftsman, the other an alchemist of no small
    repute, had reported similar strangeness in their daily routines.

    Since you mention Marie and Markham at the outset, there is a question about whether these are new or the two you mentioned.  I stopped in my head to figure it out and thought, wait is Marie one of his brothers?  I think this speaks to the fact that when you introduce characters, they have to be tied in somehow to the existing ones explicitly.  At the beginning you probably want to indicate the relationship to Marie and Markham.

    The forests around their ancestral home normally teemed with life, but Markham,
    The opening phrase acts as a long speed bump.  You mention the brothers and then at the beginning of a new paragraph we think ok, we're on to a new subject, but then Markham comes up and we say internally - oh wait, we must be still on the brothers.  I would put Markham at the beginning.  Giving clue like this to help the reader follow is vitally important.

    Tachys feared for what the lack of prey might mean in terms of the safety of his brother and his own dear wife, Marie.

    As I mentioned, this relationship should be spelled out at the beginning.  You can see that I thought Marie was a sibling until this point...

    Rushing
    to the rail, the sailor peered into the depths, searching for any sign
    of the cause of such an event, but noticed movement out of the corner of
    his eye, and looked out sharply to the horizon
    .


    This is a lot of action for one sentence, rush-peer-search-notice-look.  Also, the last 4 are somewhat redundant.  Also presumably, if he is looking down from the rail into the depths, and notices something on the horizon, it doesn't seem like it would be at the corner of his eye.  More at the top of his vision...

    A
    shockwave passed through the water in a noticeable arc, and a deep and
    abiding dread grew in the man as he realized all indications pointed to
    an origin that lay to the aft of his modest fishing vessel. The distant
    sound of rushing, roaring water impinged on his awareness then, the
    sailor turned slowly around to confront what he feared to see: a distant
    tidal wave, no doubt created by the shock, growing in the distance as
    it drew near to him, and thus, closer to the shore.

    These are long sentences.  "He realized all indications pointed to an origin.." could be "He realized that the origin..."  I'm not sure what "impinged on his awareness" means.  He seems plenty aware that something is going on already, I think awareness is too broad a term.


    As
    quick as his stout legs would move him, he dashed about the deck of the
    ship, securing all that he could ahead of the coming calamity, and
    turning the small vessel into the approaching wave. Feeling the angle of
    the deck incline ever so slightly as the first vestiges of the tidal
    surge swelled beneath the ship, the sailor worked to lock the rudder in
    place, hoping beyond hope what he did might save the craft, and
    therefore, himself. The swell increased, the angle quickly becoming
    untenable, and the man had a choice: abandon the craft, or attempt to
    ride through the coming catastrophe. True to his nature, and knowing it
    to be no choice at all, he lashed himself to the tiller and waited.

    I love this paragraph.  The action described is very well done.  Still it would be great to use shorter sentences and tighten up the wording rather than have so many commas.  It's a mad dash here and remember that commas are mental pauses.  Every comma is like chopping the scene up so it has a lower "frame rate"... I hope that makes sense.

    The rest of this section is awesome action - awesome storytelling, well done.
  • edited February 2015
    Gah! Yer killin' me!!!

    *laughs* j/k

    Some of em are incorporated... give me some to finish the "job" :P

    <><><> simply indicates where I left off so I know where to pick up again :D
  • All right. I know it has been a while, but another round of editing is done! This should take me through the last comments from both of you!

    All greenlit text is assumed to have passed critique, new edits are in yellow, and the "<><><><>" as usual indicated where I left off ;)

    I'll add more to the section once I consider what hole I want Al to fall into :P
  • I always find your writing depressing, because I can't write that well. Still, pressing on regardless, I believe I may have found some minor areas that you might want to examine:

    "a distant tidal wave, no doubt created by the shock, grew in the distance"
    You might want to consider not having distant and distance in the same sentence.

    "Markham had tracked down a fair number of larger animals over the past few weeks, but even these we becoming more rare as time progressed."
    I think perhaps that should be "were".

    "Each day, that blanket grew thicker, and the canopy above began to wear thin, the hazy blue sky peeking through in places where no sunlight should show directly through for months yet to come."
    I suspect the comma here might be one comma too many.



  • edited May 2015
    Womby,

    Thanks for the input, and as I've said before, don't sell yourself short!  I have loved reading everything you have put out here, whether I comment on it or not. Usually, Vyrin beats me to the punch in terms of offering CC's, or you would see much more from me *grins*

    Edits made... see, this is exactly why I need this! I have to have looked at this up, down, left, right and a few other directions in between, and still have missed these and others as well!
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